Envy.
I can't stop asking these questions, are my desires truly mine, or a reflections of others influence?
For months, I wrestled with existential questions
Was I truly chasing what I wanted, or just chasing the signal it sent?
This reflection sometimes brought clarity, other times anxiety. But after coming across René Girard’s work, I began to notice patterns, many of my desires weren’t entirely mine. They were imitations, born out of comparison.
To unpack this, I delved deeper into this vague but vital topic we all dread talking about. And no resource explains it better than René Girard’s Mimetic Theory.
Realisation
True reflection can often feel like a waste of time. But when you’re intentional about understanding yourself and your emotions, you realise it’s not a waste at all. Even when nothing seems to happen after reflecting, something within us is quietly connecting the dots. We begin to gain clarity.
Time spent in stillness isn’t wasted, it’s another form of necessary work.
Albert et al. (2009) found that learning doesn’t only happen when we’re actively working on tasks. It continues when we pause. Our brains use downtime to organise information and form new patterns based on what we’ve learned.
So we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves after long periods of thinking, reflecting, or simply being still. The silence is part of the growth.
“We cannot see our reflection in running water. It is only in stillness we see.”
— Chuang Tzu
Stillness. Society rarely values it. We often mistake it for stagnation and judge ourselves for it. Anxiety sets in because we feel unproductive. Yet we all need moments to process life, to untangle the constant stream of information we absorb, both consciously and unconsciously.
Let’s dive in
It is overwhelming this days. I am learning to embrace the process, even with its turmoil, to slow down, observe, and move with the current. What I’ve come to appreciate about this phase is that when the exhaustion fades, clarity often follows. During those quiet, mellow periods, I find space to ask some seemingly silly questions like, “What am I looking for?” or “Am I even where I want to be?” They’re simple, but very hard questions to answer.
Sometimes these questions bring clarity; other times, they spark anxiety. And we know, anxiety almost always grows out of fear. And fear for me usually stem from comparison. That I am not where I am supposed to be. That I need to be somewhere. That I am not doing enough. After much of this reflection, I’ve realised that the father of my worries is comparison, and the mother is envy.
Envy
According to the Oxford English Dictionary (2024), envy is “a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.”
Many of the things we chase aren’t truly ours. Often, we desire what others desire without realising it. Girard (1977) explains that our desires are not object-centred; they don’t originate from within us. Instead, we learn what to want by observing others. This is where comparison begins, leading to imitation, and eventually to envy.
Envy quietly chips away at self-worth. When we constantly compare ourselves, we lose sight of our own potential.
“The first step in staying happy is recognising that you don’t need to follow anyone else’s path. Your journey is unique, and it’s exactly as it should be.”
— Chris Walker
No person, possession, or achievement will permanently satisfy our desires. It’s human nature: once one goal is reached, another quickly takes its place, sometimes even less meaningful than the last. It doesn’t do us good jumping from one desire to the other.
To break this cycle, we must recognise when our desires are borrowed and consciously choose which ones to nurture. Mimetic theory helps us do just that.
Desire
— a strong feeling of wanting or wishing to have something.
It can be a direct result of other’s influence, many times it is. Other times, this feeling arises when we perceive a lack in ourselves compared to someone else, compelling us to pursue what they possess.
Mimetic Desire
Girard calls this mimetic desire: seeing someone else desire something makes it desirable to us. Luke Burgis expands on this idea: we imitate others’ desires, sometimes even their traits, hoping to achieve the same outcomes. This isn’t always intentional, but envy makes us chase things and personas that may harm us.
Shreyas Doshi expanded on this topic. How to beat Envy.
We copy desires. We want what our friends want. We see someone land a massive gig, marry a beautiful partner, have a baby, launch a startup, or get into the “dream school,” and suddenly we want the same thing. How do we get out of this race and recalibrate ourselves? The trick is learning to diagnose our envy early before it runs deep into our system. And the best way to do this, is to be mindful of who we envy. And watch our information streams.
In Old Money (1988), Nelson W. Aldrich Jr. described the pain of envy as, ‘the almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself, as if the pump of one’s heart were sucking on air.’
Envy is mean and arguably the most shameful of the deadly sins we all don’t like to admit it. Our envy is hardly ever admitted.Who wants to admit that they’re being influenced by their peers? Ego will not let us. But we all have a people we envy whether we like it or not. It is innate, but we have to learn to recognise and control it. Which is why I am writing this article in the pursuit of learning to control it myself.
Navigating Envy
Some recent experience with envy. Not the loud ugly kind, but the subtle type, the one that sneaks in when you’re not paying attention, the kind you pick up from watching friends social media timeline, that of a newly accomplished friends, a beautiful stranger vacation photoshoot. Yes that kind. We don’t like talking about it, but the evidence is always there if we look closely. In fact, the more you pay attention to the stream, the more clarity we have, and the easier it becomes to diagnose it early.
Diagnosing Envy
Diagnosing envy takes effort and focus. Start by identifying who you envy (the model) and what you want (the object).
Ask yourself:
Do I really need this new bag or iPhone?
Or am I responding to an emotional trigger?
Brands often exploit these feelings to sell what we don’t need. Diagnosing envy can literally save money.
A useful tool here is the Mimetic Triangle.
Mimetic Triangle
Réne Girard created this term, in his work mimetic theory, which states that our desires are imitated. We don’t desire things in isolation; we learn to desire by watching others.
You’re not thinking. You’re just rationalizing beliefs you picked up from the groups you want to belong to.
— Content Philosopher on X
What is Mimetic Triangle?
A simple illustrations of “mimetic triangle”:
The Subject: You, who initially have no particular desire.
The Model: Your friend, looking at the last slice of pizza.
The Object: The last slice of pizza, what you now because your friend desire it.
The rivalry: This happens when the model and you want the same thing because you are copying each other’s desire, not because the thing is truly valuable but for the competition.
This plays out most time in our life, our friends want something and we got home and start desiring the same thing. Before we know, envy has taking place. And if you don’t reflect and don’t understand this, quickly leads to rivalry. Simple as that.
Rivalry
Mimetic rivalry happens when both parties mirror each other’s desire. The original object becomes irrelevant, the real goal becomes winning.
This is wasted energy. Like arguing just to win, not to solve the problem.
Girard warned that unchecked imitation leads to cycles of conflict where everyone loses.
Carlo Cipolla (1976) put it best:
“A stupid person causes losses to others without gaining anything themselves, and may even incur losses.”
That’s mimetic rivalry, pointless, harmful, and self-defeating.
Envy among group
Girard argued that myths and rituals in many ancient societies evolved from real acts of collective violence, later retold as sacred stories that restored peace. This pattern is not unique to Greek mythology; it appears across African oral traditions as well, in the myths, folktales, and community rituals that seek to explain conflict, misfortune, or harmony.
“Envy is the root cause of many poor choices in our career and life.”
— Shreyas Doshi
Girard’s “scapegoat mechanism” explains how groups channel tension toward one target, seen in gossip, cliques, or startup rivalries. It may feel like unity, but it’s often envy disguised as loyalty.
Imitation can be useful
Imitation isn’t always harmful. Role models accelerate learning and inspire growth. The problem is unfiltered imitation, when borrowed desires take root subconsciously and drive our decisions.
Healthy imitation pushes us forward. Unchecked imitation derails us.
Always ask: Is this desire truly mine, or someone else’s reflection?
Dealing with Envy
Not all envy is destructive as mentioned earlier. It can point us toward what we value most, if we use it as data. To prevent envy from becoming toxic.
Here’s a process that helps:
Spot the Triangle: Ask, Do I want the Object, or do I want to be like the Model? This is so simple, but very effective.
Name Both: Write down the model and the object, naming or just paying attention to it can breaks the spell.
Reality Check: If nobody else cared about this, would I still want it?
Choose Thick Desires: Focus on long-term goals that align with meaning and growth.
Thin desires: applause, trends, comparison.
Thick desires: purpose, relationships, lasting contribution.
Do a Desire Detox: Limit your exposure to envy triggers. Take breaks from digital spaces. Social media. Overstimulation.
Reframe Envy as Data: Ask, What is this envy revealing about my deeper values? Sometimes, envy is hard data, decode it.
Closing Notes
To maintain life satisfaction, you must beat envy every time. Failing even once can trigger one bad decision that spirals into years of misplaced effort, eg. unsustainable influences, chasing the wrong thing, that creates negative, cascading life consequences lasting years, ultimately making you a “slave” to those choices.
“Envy is not a curse; it’s a signal.” — Shreyas
Most of our desires are borrowed. Debug them before they start driving your choices. Use the mimetic triangle to understand envy and reclaim agency over your decisions.
Next time envy appears, don’t fight it blindly. Debug it. Frame it through the mimetic triangle. Let it guide you toward what’s authentically yours.
Never stop wandering.
References
Neil B Albert, Edwin M Robertson, R Chris Miall (2009 Jun 23) ‘The Resting Human Brain and Motor Learning’, Curr Biol., 19(12), pp. 1023–1027.
Aldrich, N. W. (1988). Old Money: The Mythology of America’s Upper Class. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.
CEPR, 2021. Scapegoating of ethnic minorities: Experimental evidence. [Fig 2.]. Available at: https://cepr.org/voxeu/columns/scapegoating-ethnic-minorities-experimental-evidence (Accessed: 9 October 2025).
Riordan, D.V., 2021. The scapegoat mechanism in human evolution: An analysis of René Girard’s hypothesis on the process of hominization. Biological Theory, 16, pp.242–256. doi:10.1007/s13752-021-00381-y.
Cipolla, C. M. (1976). The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity. Bologna, Italy: Il Mulino.
Doshi, S. (2022, April). Envy is the root cause of many poor choices in our career & life. LinkedIn Post
https://www.linkedin.com/posts/shreyasdoshi_envy-is-the-root-cause-of-many-poor-choices-activity-7353493423028391936-06e1
Girard, R. (1977). Things Hidden Since the Foundation of the World. Stanford University Press.
Daramola, A., & Jeje, A. (1995). Àwọn Àlọ́ Àpá Yorùbá (Yoruba Folktales). Ibadan: Onibonoje Press.
Girard, R. (1986). The Scapegoat. Johns Hopkins University Press.
Oxford English Dictionary. (2024). Definition of envy. Oxford University Press.
Zarrinsadaf, M. (Jul 31, 2025). You’re not thinking [Tweet]. X (formerly Twitter). https://x.com/MoZarrinsadaf/status/1950823290278224353